While the following post was composed on National Cookie Day (big thanks to @theBaseHicks for alerting me to that fact. How is this not a national holiday?) my attention to TonisTable.com grew sporadic, as I entered the pre-trip chaos from which I write to you today. In this instance, I am not referring to an entirely, or even nominally, negative situation. While this place of disorder can feel terrifying, in this case it holds such beauty and potential. According to shamanic practitioner Lena Stevens, “Chaos is the astral plane, or spirit world revealed, without form, where anything is possible if you are willing to let go of resistance and use your creativity wisely to arrange those moving parts into something you want.” As one who spent decades moving from one chaotic scenario to another - sometimes externally created, too often self-generated - realizing that to let go is to harness a kind of profound power over self and develop the capacity to withstand, learn from and even thrive in the aftermath of chaos.
The months leading up to this post, involved milestones reached, goals realized, celebrations and joy-filled gatherings, inspirational encounters with phenomenal folks on two continents. This period also included traumas of minor and major natures, humbling false-starts in too many areas, seemingly sudden transitions to the next stage of parenting (which received not a second of forethought), depressing revelations and a recognition of my role in all of the above - not in a judgey self-hating way, but in that come-to-Jesus manner when all the half-truths, delusions and stories we tell ourselves peel away and we are left standing with a plain brown wrapper version of ourselves and our reality.
Feels pretty good actually. Don’t get me wrong. This is harder than a tray of Rice Krispies treats left uncovered overnight, but damn, I feel so much lighter after recognizing much of the drek in which I allowed myself to remain stagnant. Adopting healthy practices, releasing negative elements is a process I now crave and commit to with pure love. Self - Love. Cause if you can’t love yourself…. … …
Which brings me back to the drawing board - or laptop, in my case - to continue working the evolving mission of Toni’s Table, which is to say the mission of Your’s Truly: to tell ya a good story, fill you with delicious food and create a space to get to know each other and build a stronger community one bite at a time.